Good Old David Fincher

You always have a prospect that by your grade 12 year, after graduation, you’d have acquired a certain development of skills, established all your passions and founded talents that would set the stage for your future after high-school.

Up till the beginning of this year, I was beyond satisfied with this expectation. With plans to play varsity, beat the odds to study business, independently set out to build new experiences, while maintaining long lasting relationships along the way, everything I’d worked towards was about to pay off... But things change.

“It’s only after we’ve lost everything, that we’re free to do anything.” – Tyler Durden

I certainly haven’t lost everything... but at this age, lifestyle changes are harder to accept, even if the losses are minimal. And although I can’t entirely familiarize myself with Tyler Durden, I feel as if my series of physical, mental and emotional losses have slowly amended my previous set plans for the future; I certainly don’t feel free to do anything, but my losses have helped to create a clean slate where I can develop new skills, re-establish passions, feel more free to do anything knowing I don’t have much more to lose.  

I don’t plan on blowing up financial sky-scrapers like Mr. Durden, but I do intend to accomplish more than I had planned, before I began to lose what I had.  

“God Damn! We just had a near-life experience, fellas.” – Tyler Durden

Remembering the inspiration of Fight Club, Grinding through my last intenseive phase before maintenance, continuing to breed optimism,

-          Serena Bonneville J

The Fight

Yesterday a fellow teen cancer patient at BC Children’s Hospital passed away. Remembering that death is quite common, I struggled to justify why this had hit me so hard. It wasn’t because she was diagnosed with a cancerous disease like myself and had taken similar drugs, or that she had spent her last days in the hospital where I was only a few floors below her.

I met her for the first time a couple of weeks ago at a teen-oncology-group meeting, although we didn’t talk much. I’d say she looked sick at the time but then again, so did everyone. It wasn’t until today that I realised how much we had in common. She was from Richmond, BC and was only a year older than me. She had an older brother, off at university. The toughest thing to see were photos of her in her soccer uniform, before she was diagnosed; Photos with her teammates, her friends, holding medals and trophies. I thought of myself and realised that our connection grew far past just our common diagnosis, but our lives and similarities before all the obscurities was what brought on emotion.   

Regardless of how it ends, a life spent fighting cancer really sucks; but it makes life spent before the fight all the more meaningful. Every happy moment magnified, every grudge forgotten and the love, unconditional.

Breeding optimism for the ones who have lost the fight against cancer or who have lost a loved one because of it,

- Serena Bonneville :)

3/4

Well things have gotten slightly better as I slowly grasp a hold on this deadening nausea. I go back to the hospital on Wednesday to receive the high concentrated drug for the third time. (3/4) One more visit to go for this phase... Even though it’s gotten easier, I still cannot wait for this phase to be done with! I have started limiting my meals to food specific to helping nausea and vomiting: lots of fruits, smoothies, salads and crackers. I don’t have much of an appetite anyway so when I do eat something, I make sure it’s nutritional.

Recently, I find that most of my time is consumed by University applications ... my god they’re lengthy. I am not sure if any of you cancer patients out there have applied during their time of treatment, but I find it quite the challenge to explain my situation. I mean, how do you elucidate this kind of lifestyle change? I always fall short with these essays. All they want to hear is that I am more than a number, a well-rounded, leading student. So my feeble attempt to show them that usually ends with me posting the hyperlink to my blog because at the end of the day, if they really want to know what kind of student I am, they can read my last few posts and conclude that I am simply an optimist.

Breeding optimism,

-      -        Serena Bonneville J

Tired of Being Sick and Sick of Being Tired

Well I’ve been wanting, for quite some time now, to post another update... but to be honest the days have been rough and the nights have been long. In a nutshell, the past couple weeks have been spent battling through uncontrollable nausea, persisting fatigue ... and a couple other not-so-fun side effects that I’ll leave unmentioned (chemo patients and survivors can understand.)

But rather than go deeper in detail of an evident low point that I seemed to have hit .. I’d rather fill you in on some startling positives. I received my completion date for my entire treatment! As of January 29^th, 2016, I will have finished maintenance-also I will have turned 19-so looking forward to that date... I’ve also sent out applications to some universities, having that hopeful ambition for post-secondary education.

I am set to start maintenance by late May, early June so looks like I’ll be feeling great just in time for grad!... and exams. In my current phase, I’m scheduled for 4 – 5 day hospital admissions on IV drugs with about two weeks off in between. With one under my belt, I’m set to go in for admission again tomorrow.

Those long days in the hospital, I recognise in my mind as hibernation: one where I come out feeling renewed ... feeling better. But of course, as expected, it’s the aftershock of this drug that has really hit me the hardest. I haven’t been at school too much; the unexpected vomiting limits my daily expenditures. And you could imagine how the ‘fatigue’ would put a strain on my  social activities – If you were one to brand me as ‘Lazy-who-stays-in-bed-all-day-watching-movies’ before, you really don’t even want to see me now. But every time I spontaneously fall into a light nap at 4 in the afternoon, I can always picture my life playing out like a movie ... all my pain being miraculously sucked away like in the Green Mile. But then I’d wake up, and realise that this fight against cancer isn’t going to end with some mysterious miracle. It is going to end, hopefully by the assessed date, through the process of taking in a combination of powerful drugs. It’ll end by me battling each symptom; realising that daily nausea and morning vomiting is just part of a phase; accepting that frequent blood tests are necessary and migraines are expected. But when you’re sick, you fight through it all, because you have to; because when you reach the end, it won’t be a miracle, it will be a triumph.

Although I wouldn't say no to a miracle visit from John Coffey to cure me right up...

Looking forward to clearing this phase! Special shout-out to Suzanne, one of my favorite nurse’s, for helping me manage, not just the physical challenges of treatment, but the mental ones as well (also for scoring me concert tickets to Imagine Dragons.) – Suzanne, you are the best and I’m sure every other patient of yours would agree.

Breeding optimism and watching movies as always,

- Serena Bonneville :)

Blood as Red as Wine

Every time I visit the hospital, whether it’s for a transfusion or a chemo-cocktail, I usually get a blood test as well – blood counts reveal a lot about how well my body is reacting to the treatment. They also determine whether I need a transfusion or if I’m ready for the next stage.

Well, last week my oncologist received some interesting news from my blood counts.

As it is the holidays, my family loves to celebrate in the form of dinner parties. These can sometimes get a little crazy, like most dinner parties do. Being of Italian descent, it’s quite normal with these occasions for the kids to enjoy a glass or two of wine with the usual over-satisfying meal. However, it is not quite normal to be going for routine blood tests, like I did the next morning.

For the first time my oncologist had discovered some odd liver functions from my blood counts ...

Even after reassuring her that I did not in fact go on a bender that week, my nurses and physicians in the oncology unit still continue to make fun of me.

God knows how fast gossip spreads at hospitals, it’s worse than high schools. Of course, they’re just relieved that this was a result of wine as opposed to some bodily medical reaction ... All in all, it’s going to be a while before I indulge again at one of our crazy family dinner parties.

On a more serious note, I’ve been drug free for almost two weeks now as I head into the next phase: (Interim-Maintenance). At this rate, I am set to finish around mid-May yay!

 It’s exciting to see the finish line getting closer, but having to say goodbye to the staff at Childrens will be difficult. They continue to build, not just professional, but personal connections with their patients. Oddly enough, it’s what has made me feel so comfortable spending most of my days there. Even after I’ve moved on, I do intend to maintain my relationship with the staff and the hospital whether it’s through volunteer or just friendly visits J.

Hoping this liver function ordeal doesn’t sever any relationships or tarnish my reputation at the hospital..

Breeding optimism thanks to the amazing and personable staff at Children’s

-       -     Serena Bonneville

It's a Wonderful Life

I am alive and well, contrary to my one month absence, I am in fact safe at home after a busy couple of weeks on chemotherapy (stage: consolidation). I apologize for the lack of communication but just as the mental affects of chemo began to wear off, the holidays started.

December proved to be a more eventful month J It started off with migraines and sleep deprivation but that quickly faded off by the end of the first week. The only major side effects were nausea and minor fatigue. Luckily, Christmas was enough of a distraction for me and the excitement of its normality was enough to get through this month with enthusiasm! (Candy canes and shortbread helped too)

Never have I gotten more into the Christmas spirit. When you’re not loaded with stress and end of term exams, it’s amazing how worked up you can get over the minor festivities. We had planned on spending the holidays on vacation in Hawaii, for which we inevitably have postponed (I take full responsibility)... so instead we spent Christmas (and my 17^th birthday) at home with the family. What’s Christmas without the slushy snow and foggy mornings?  

Today’s the last day of 2013, but as I look back to appropriately reminisce on the year, I can recognize nothing but events from the past 3 months.. Which are not fun to reminisce about. So instead I look ahead; never could I have predicted the changes or the situation I’ve landed in, but I intend on moving as far away from it as I can. New Years Resolution: 

Hopefully by next New Years Eve I’ll have landed where I need to be, and can reflect back on the year with confidence and fulfillment. I’ll be like James Stewart in the last scene of It’s a Wonderful Life. 

Breeding Optimism on New Years Eve! (promise to keep persistence with my posts from now on)

-                Serena Bonneville J

Food for Thought

Meals for today:

-         

•       Half a pancake
•       Bowl of grapefruit

-    

Well I’ve transitioned from one extreme to another; my appetite dropped drastically, just 1 week into the second phase. The nausea is consuming, influencing my every decision (including food intake). The other major side affect that I've been coping with over the past couple of weeks has been the repeated migraines.

Even though these phases are intense, their side affects consuming, I can now look back and check two months off of my calendar. Whether this gets harder or easier, I’ve learnt so far that the best way to take on the challenges is to endure them day by day.

Today I haven’t had any chemo drugs. In fact, I haven’t been to the hospital for about a week and have been feeling quite normal; although I go in again soon to finish off the last bit of this phase.

Like I said, two months down, two weeks till the next phase, five months (hopefully) till the end of treatment and 17 days until Christmas.

Breeding optimism,

-         -      Serena Bonneville :)